Back to normal.
Or well back to the normal I am used to. Another sleepless night and tomorrow… I guess today.. a zombie version of me will head to work. Come home. Eat dinner. And try to sleep. Again.
I used to be with this guy who everyday would ask me:
“Anything exciting happen today ?”
A question I never really have a good answer to. My life is not exciting. It’s like the color grey. I’m pretty sure if a movie was made about my life it would be in black and white. Sometimes to answer though I would pretend and say I did something exciting and pretend to be happy.
One day I hope though, I don’t ever have to pretend to be happy again. And I’ll know what it feels like to be happy. Truly happy.
Geez that sounds cheesy. I don’t know if anyone really reads this.. but I’m sorry for that.
I just to apologize for not writing. I got the flu and I’m still dealing with the after effects. I have a weak immune system so a flu to me feels like death.
Once I feel better I’ll start writing again.
Growing up I wasn’t afraid of anything. I remember watching scary movies and playing with bugs. Doing crazy things and not really worried anything bad will happen.
I don’t really remember what happened but one day I just was afraid of everything. I have so many fears that I can’t really enjoy anything.
What’s worse is even my family laughs at my certain fears. Like that fact that I am afraid to eat fruit because I worry there are invisible bugs. And I can’t eat anything unless it’s only touched by myself. I worry that someone will have a germ on there hands that will kill me. I am afraid of cloudy water like lakes and oceans. I can’t touch anyone feet’s or else I have a complete breakdown and it feels like I can’t breath. I worry that if I fall asleep with no ear plugs a bug will crawl in my ears. But I’m also afraid of using the ear plugs because I worry a monster or murder will kill me when I can’t hear them. I always sleep in bed under the covers even when really I’m hot because I worry something will grab me if I’m not underneath them. And I can’t sleep without all the lights on. I am afraid of basements and fireworks. I’m afraid of riding a bicycle and traveling. I am afraid of people who are bigger than me. I’m afraid of being alone for too long. I worry constantly that I will die every time I leave my house.
I have so many fears that if I were to list them it would take me all night.
I never used to be afraid like that …
I don’t under stand why I’m scared of these things. I just know I am. Sometimes I wish I could go back to being that girl in elementary school who had big dreams afraid of nothing. Instead of who I am now. A girl who can’t even leave her house most days.
Sometimes I wish I wasn’t even me.
Today was short.
Or maybe just fast… Didn’t really get out of bed and I missed work again. I don’t have anything to write… Minds just kinda blank.
But I’m trying to force myself to write at least one thing. Everyday, even if it is just nothing. ..
Worst part about living with anxiety is the sudden feeling of sadness and fear that just hits you out of no where. The kind that makes you cry for no reason. The kind of sadness and fear that makes you worry about the smallest and slightest things.
You’re in constant worry that maybe your the issue and you automatically apologize profusely for it. And the absolute worst part is many people don’t understand. You try and explain it and it intensifies the anxiety which makes it worse. And people always assume your just acting this way over nothing. But the “nothing” to us real in our minds.
… I cant remember where I was going with this. I guess it’s easier dealing with it and being able to vent. I have a huge amount of compassion for people who deal with anxiety and have no one. Because dealing with it alone is painful.
I read or maybe I heard somewhere that writing would be therapeutic… either way I’m still finding myself lost inside.
Growing up I always a clear picture of who I was and who I wanted to be. But somewhere along the way of my life I completely forgot.
Sometimes in hope of remembering I’ll go through my old hand written diaries but majority of them are filled with doodles and torn out pages.
… I don’t know. I think I honestly just forgot what I was trying to do in life. And trying to find it again is like swimming in the middle of the ocean and everything around me is dark and trying to pull me under. Or well.. it feels like that anyways.
P.s No sleep again tonight.
Can’t sleep again tonight.
Went to bed at 10pm – ish and tried so hard. Closed my eyes and tossed and turned. It’s like during the day I’m empty. I close my self off and then at night my thoughts get so loud. Thoughts I’ve tried to push down all day.
Today was better though. I didn’t feel as depressed as normal. I like days like this because I don’t get as angry and my anxiety doesn’t feel so heavy.
It’s really hard to explain in words why. In my head it’s all there clear, every worry and issue but when I start to write it.. it’s like the words get jumbled and blocked and I end up just erasing everything because it’s turns out a mess. Maybe I just don’t know where to start.
Idk … I’ll try again tomorrow.